Drum roll.... and the name is......

So my band has been being a regular bitch again these days... can barely do liquids today.  So, since I had nothing better to do, I have been goofing around on the Wild WIld Web and I think I have come up with a name for this thing.......

Cailleach

Pronounced something like KYE-le-och.......It is a Gaelic word for witch or hag, and it just seems fitting.  

So there it is....

Me 'n my insecurities, soakin' up the sun

I am on vacation this week all the way across the country from my home.  It is almost like summer time here and it just feels so damn good to sit on the front step and soak up the sun.

And then again, I am sitting on a front step about a mile away from the ex-wife.  It hasn't been bad...... I haven't even seen her.  She could easily bring the Son over here and step inside to visit, but she never has.  Good on her. 

Husband took us out this afternoon to see where he used to work... and he took us out to lunch.  There is a marina near his former workplace and it was beautiful.  I would have been quite happy to spend the day there.

We just got back a little while ago, and I took everything in the house after shopping.  When I got into the room I have been sharing with my husband, I noticed my step-daughter was in there while we were gone.  This room is normally her craft room.  She had opened up a cabinet, and she left out a photo of her mom and her dad together.  In some way, it felt like a smack in the face..... like a reminder that I will never be the person her mother was.  I will always be second best. (Maybe when husband gets over his little freak-out and can tell me he loves me??? Gee, that might help.)

Geeesh, when in the HELL am I going to get over stupid stuff like that?? It sure does me no favors.  

On the Lap-band note, when I went out to dinner today, I actually had to make the mad dash to the restroom.... my band was having a bitch day (or maybe I ate too fast... or it might have been the bread, too) and I PB'd a bit... not too bad though.  Man, it has been a long time since that happened!! Hopefully, it was an isolated incident. 

All in all, it really has been a lovely little trip we are taking and I am so glad to be here.  But you know how it is to stay in someone else's house... it is hard to fill the idle time. And there has been a lot of it.  Lucky me, I can do my work from anywhere, so I think I am going to work for a couple hours tomorrow if I can get a strong enough signal on my cell phone to make some phone calls. 

Hope you all are doing well... I haven't been reading blogs for a few days, so I have much to catch up on.  BUt I hear it is supposed to be stormy again, so today..... It is all about the sunshine.  :) 

Happy Sappy Valentine's Day!!

I have a bazillion things to do today... leaving Thursday to go on vacation.  But, I still went to the gym, and I had such a very nice workout that my legs were shaking when I got home.  Yeah me!!  And even better......

There is this guy who works out at the gym. Well, he worked out a lot last winter.  And has just returned in the last week.  He is an older man, but always friendly, always has a smile, and even if he never says a word, he is still so supportive, if that makes sense.  Well, today, I got to the gym and he was on one of the weight machines -- I had to walk right past him to get to my friend the elliptical.  Only today -- he stopped me -- he noticed that I have lost tons of weight since he saw me last and said I looked great -- to keep up the good work. 

Sometimes, I get so caught up in the day to day struggle to notice my successes.... they are so small these days that they are easy to miss. It just felt so good to have someone else do the noticing for me today.  So.... pay attention.  Every time you notice even tiny changes and can say something nice to someone, it does such big things!

Speaking of that......It has been a long month for me, and several of you have been so supportive -- just want you to know -- I noticed!!  Thank you so so much! I am at long last starting to pick my head up off the ground. 

Donut Butt....... (OMG I HATE calling you that!!)  ... thank you for Friday.  I needed that so bad.  And Saturday would have been even better, I am sure, but that Marine of mine was having a pretty good day and I just wanted to be with him.  We need more of those good days, KWIM??

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.  I hope you have a super special day!!

More better

Ahhhhhhhhhh.  Big deep, cleansing breath and a sigh of relief.

I am starting to feel a little more normal again... now if the swelling and water weight would go away.  And quickly, please.

Last weekend, My Marine got out the doggie brush to take care of a ratty mess behind the dogs ear...... and was shocked to see that Dog is losing his thick winter coat... already.  Much earlier than last year.  I can only HOPE for spring.  During the last 4-5 years, it has snowed clear until June. :/

Oh, and one of my friends said she saw a robin yesterday.

Today, the sun is shining, and while it is still cold, the weather man has forecast 50 degrees for Valentine's Day.  Reminds me of spring time in my childhood, when springtime arrived... in the spring.  What a novel thought.

Speaking of Valentine's Day...... what on earth does one get the new husband who has everything he ever wanted and never wanted much in the first place?  Last year, he got me diamond earrings.  With the advance warning that I wouldnt be so lucky every year, haha.  

I rocked it at the gym today.  Seeing the ex-wife in a week.... yup, great motivation.   And while I was at the gym... the boob lady all but chased me out of the gym in an attempt to apologize.  It actually occurred to her that maybe it isnt alway the best to share one's observations, particularly about something so personal.

Well, I actually don't have a ton of chores today, so I am going to indulge in a long, hot bath.  What a way to start the day. :)

A whiney day... calls for wine?

I am just feeling so discouraged today.  The PMS has taken over my mind, so I know I am not being rational right now.  Even so, I just want to feel like all is right in my world.  And the fact is, it just isn't.  

Needless to say, it makes it hard to focus on anything else.  I didn't go to the gym today, and I really have no inclination to really care what I eat. 

I would love nothing more than a hot bath and a glass of wine, but hey, it is only lunch time, and as soon as I indulge, one of the kids will need something at school.  So, I am trying to hold out for tonight.

There is so much more, but this is all I can spit out for a day.

Worthless

That is how I feel today.  Totally. And completely. WORTHLESS. 

I feel like my life has been reduced to sweeping floors and doing dishes.

Things with my husband sometimes feel better. But not today. Today, I feel like a big ol'' liability to him, not a partner.

I really want to cry. But I am afraid if I start, I won't stop.

Oh, and did I mention the PMS, swollen boobs and messed up hormones? 

So yeah... I am not saying a word tonight because it will probably come out all wrong. I put my jammies on, I heated a rice bag, turned on the electric blanket, and I am watching Biggest Loser.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I have not watched Biggest Loser alone for over a year.  Guess I have to leave the safety of my cave.

Jiggley Wiggley Boobies

I should have just known that today's trip to the gym was going to be an adventure.  I mean, the MP3 player is a vital tool and does no good at all when it lies forgotten on the floor next to my bed. I got the kids to school on time, but forgot the tunes.  Go figure.  Happy Freakin' Monday.  

True to my morning ritual, I got on the scale very first thing.  I was horrified when the little slider didn't even budge when placed on the usual number, so I moved it to the right, and then I moved it to the right again.  UP 8 POUNDS!!!!!    But then again, the girls have been quite sore for a couple days, so I am certain it is a hormone thing, and it will go away in a week or so.  Take a deep breath, and just get on the damn elliptical, Bones!

So, I start my workout and I am just getting in a groove, although it isn't a great groove.  I just have a hard time getting into it without some Aerosmith.  Or Metallica.  Or Mark Knopfler.  Even so, my legs were indeed moving.  

The fact that my ears were not plugged with headphones must have made this woman feel like that was an open invitation to offer her advice to me. Can you believe.... she came right up to me and suggested I go over to Shopko and buy me a nice sports bra  .... she even said that they are most effective when worn over your regular bra. 

Now you have to know, even with PMS bloating and swelling, I do not have much in the way of boobs.  In fact, I am small enough that 100 pounds ago, I would have told you they were just another roll of fat. Now, they are a 38 small C and pretty squishy.  And yes, because they are sore, I could feel the movement more than usual.  But overall....... my boobs don't bounce that much!!!!!!!!!!  Or do they? But still.....  I am amazed that this woman had the nerve to approach a total stranger about her BOOBS! And the woman didn't go away even when I started coughing (I am getting a cold I think.) and then she say that I didn't have a water jug and she started preaching on me about water.  BAH!!!!!!!   I did finally tell her (politely, damn me!) that I have been doing this for a long time and I know what works for me. And yes, she finally went away.

I was barely able to feel relief in her departure when another lady got on the elliptical next me.  I have seen her before and I HATE working out next to her.  She is the one who sprays down the equipment BEFORE she gets on, and she sprays so heavy that the asthmatic next to her coughs and chokes because of the bleach in the air.  And then, she works out like a maniac.  I seriously thought the her machine was going to start spitting nuts and bolts this morning. 

At that point, I decidedly that cutting my workout short by three minutes was not a bad idea at all.  I have never been so glad to be finished and get the hell out of there.  And now, me and my jiggley boobs are going to get in the shower

And I just have to say, when I go get in the shower, I am so happy I will be the only one looking at my boobs when my bra hits the floor.r.

One pound of butter (fat)

One single pound. 

It seems so small.  But, going back to my days in Weight Watchers, I can't imagine how many times my leader would celebrate the smallest losses.... One pound can be discouraging.  But then, look at one pound of butter. That is one pound of fat that is not on my body today.

It hasn't been easy.  

Lots of stress.

Lots of stress eating.

Lots of Chocolate.

And yes, lots of time in the gym.. that is the one place I did well.

After the last couple of weeks, I will take my successes where ever I can!!

Lapband and flight

I am looking forward to the drive to the Big City.  I might even pack my laptop in case the sun is shining, so I can enjoy the city for a little longer. 

I am not looking forward to the weigh-in.  So much stress in the last few weeks and I have been PIGGING OUT.  Even after the last fill. But, I have a tendency to get tight with stress, so I have been super cautious with fills. But hey, I am not losing weight at this point, so really, I need this.  Even if I am tight.  

Silly thing is.... I may need an unfill in 2 weeks.... I am flying across the country to visit family for 10 days. My nurse, who also has the band -- ge4ts tight when she flies.  I am curious to know what everyone else's experiences have been with that.... I don't want to be throwing up for 10 days of vacation, nor do I want to be on liquids .... first time eating real southern food.... I would like to at least be able to taste it!

Desiderata

Desiderata

    Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

    If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

    Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

    Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

    Strive to be happy.

                                                                                           --- Max Ehrmann, 1927