Friday, January 28, 2011

Me and GYM

I am sitting here in my cozy warm bed, knowing that in about two minutes, I have to get up and take these little girls to school.  And when I do, I have to stop by the gym.... partly because it would just be wrong to drive by and NOT stop.... and partly because I am actually getting my groove back.  

I have been to the gym every day this week, working on that elliptical.  Last week was so hit and miss, usually barely 20 minutes.  But Monday, I was reading a really interesting article and before I knew it, I was at 30 minutes.  Tuesday was 40 minutes.  After that, I just couldn't settle for less than 30.   I am not yet consistent with the rate of incline, so that will be next week's goal.  And the week after that, I will add in the weight training.

I thought about going to the Big City for a fill today, but gas money is an issue, so I think I will go over the house.  I can hang insulation today while my husband works on the wiring. Time with him is so calming and so HEALING.... it feels good.  I think working on that house just could actually bring us together instead of drive us apart, if we do it right.  :)

So, not a lazy Friday......but it will do. 

The courthouse bells are chiming..... I guess it is time for me to face the day.  (But my bed is so WARM!!!!) 

Thursday, January 27, 2011


I feel like I have been whining so much lately, but this is the one place I can talk freely.  SO today I will try to keep it short and more positive. 

Me and my Marine talked yesterday.  I am so glad we did -- I felt horrible for carrying around those doubts, and it was such a relief to get it all off of my shoulders.  We actually talked about a lot of things in a short period of time.  The thing that I most appreciated was that he actually stopped what he was doing, sat on a stool and just listened to me. There was no criticism, no anger and no blame. And, it seemed like he understood what I was saying. 

He said something yesterday that really hit a chord with me.  His big fear is "what if" .... what if we try and fix things and in a year it is the same ol' thing?  What if in a year it doesn't work out and the children are even more attached (therefore hurt) than they already are?   

I told him the first two things that came from the heart:

  •  He has to trust me... he has to allow me the opportunity to help him through the tough times, he has to believe that I want our marriage to be the best it can be and he has to trust that I hold his tender heart with care and would never do anything on purpose to create problems for us. 

  •  This whole marriage thing, I think, is much like my life with food and weight loss.  It is a lot of work, something I have to work on every day.  Even having surgery does not make it become something that happens automatically, without thought and planning.  The same will be true for our marriage..... we will have to work on it every day of our life together.   I can't quit just because I hit a binge period or a plateau, and WE can't quit just because it gets overwhelming and scary. 

Well, on the way home yesterday, it occurred to me that I need to do the same for him.... I need to trust that he is trying hard and doing his best.  I need to believe in him and give him time to work through this, and while he is getting there, I need to let him know we absolutely appreciate what he does for us. Now that we had the ex-wife talk, I need to let it go. The other day, I felt like there was hope for us.  I need to hold on to that feeling. 

Ironically, I signed in to my Twitter account today, and saw this from Bob Harper:   

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase". A quote from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Love this.
So, today... I am going to start the day with FAITH.  My Marine and I can only talk this over so much before we really just have to get back to living and being the people we married. 

We have only just begun this married life, and I am sure there will be many more ups and downs. I can only hope we are tough enough to get through them.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

OMG... again!!!

I am so sorry, I am not sure anyone is even interested, but at this point, I need to unload the fury. 

I have been watching my cell phone bill in the last couple weeks.  Husband spent a good hour on the phone with his ex-wife again this morning and all of my anxiety has come flooding back.  Only this time I am not just hurt and anxious, I am fucking pissed.

I have never told him that I know they have been talking.... didn't want to add fuel to the fire.  And I figured two things:  a) if they just talked a couple times, then I am making a big deal of nothing.  b) they have kids together, of course they are going to talk.

But this is the thing: 

Three phone calls, coincidentally at the same time he tells me he is unhappy in our marriage.

One 30 minutes, one 60 minutes, 50 minutes today. (Yes, I am going to yell!))

Now the way I see it, if their conversations are all about their son coming home from Japan, he would come home and tell me that she called and they talked today.  BUT HE HASN'T SAID A WORD.

The man needs to understand one thing.  He is married to ME, not her.  If he is unhappy, he needs to be talking to ME, not her.   I understand they have been friends since they were teenagers. But that should have changed the day he put a ring on my finger.  And if he doesnt want to talk to me, then there are so many other people he could and should talk to. 

The other thing that pisses me off is that she is on my Facebook account. No, we are not great "friends." But friendly, and civil to one another.  Hey, call me crazy.  But the kids dont need us to be at each others throats.  And, it gives us a neutral forum to talk..... it used to be that she would give me updates on the kids if needed, and I would pass them on to my husband. (She wont call our house at night when it is honest because geeee..... her husband doesnt like it any more than I do.)  So on my facebook page, she keeps commenting on things and acting like she isn't going behind my freaking back.  

So now, I don't know what the hell.  Just when I was starting to feel some hope, I am all messed up again.  I think I need to talk to him, because I can't keep letting him think it is OK.  Right now, I am torn.  I am sick to my stomach.  His sister is going to call me back in about 30 minutes and talk me through this.  But I really want to get in the car and drive over to the house to ask him WHAT THE HELL???????????? 

Really??? Am I asking so much??

Baby Steps

Well, that Marine of mine hasn't said anything different, but things feel different. A little bit. 

I couldn't spend the day with him yesterday, but I had to just work hard to keep anxiety down where I could handle it.  And we got a date night yesterday, so it helped to have that to look forward to.  There was one spot where there was a small amount of anxiety, but I managed. :)

Our date night was nothing special.... he had a club meeting and asked me to join him.  Plus a stop at Lowe's and dinner to go at Carl's Jr.  But it was SO nice...... it was so nice for me to see him relaxed and happy and joking with his friends.  I made a point to tell him how glad I was that he asked me to join him.  I am not really interested in his club much, but if he has that much fun each time, I am so happy to join him. And I told him we need to have more fun times like that..... he said someday.  After the house is done.   Always the house these days.  I have heard everywhere that these kind of house projects are really hard on marriages. So what to we do but get married and start on the house within days of each other. 

I have been getting better about going to the gym every day.  I managed 40 minutes on the elliptical yesterday.  I guess I will soon have to go for another fill so that what I am eating matches my work at the gym.  

In 22 days, I get on a plane to go back east and visit my husband's kids, and my brother's family.  I will have to see the ex-wife and be sweet as can be to her.  So by hell, in 22 days, I want to look amazing. Well, as amazing as one can look when overweight. 

I can't spend the day with my husband today either -- kids are out of school early, have parent-teacher meetings, and work meetings.  So, on to day two of getting this damn anxiety under control.  While it all is starting to feel a little better, I can't decide if his worries are passing, or if we are just living in denial while he sorts it out.

Monday, January 24, 2011


Today was truly a beautiful day, in so many ways. 

The sun was shining and even felt warm for the first time in ages. 

I was driving through the canyon today and saw a moose.  I pulled over and spent a half an hour, taking photos and just watching.  SO beautiful.  It brought me so much joy to be outside and see such an amazing animal. 

I spent the afternoon watching my husband work on our house.  I marveled at his genius and skill.  I am so thankful that he is such a meticulous person. 

And... as I was leaving to come back... he told me he loved me!! Such a little thing, but it is the first time in ages and it just made my heart sing.  

Finally, I feel like there is hope.

Anxiety like never before

Just a quick update..... this was one damn long miserable week.   While I may have figured out some things I can do on my part, my husband says he still has no answers for me. He feels like it would be easier on the kids to split now than down the road when their attachments are even stronger than now. But my HELL...... we haven't even been together long enough to say we tried.  And every one of my kids is old enough to see that. 

During the week when the kids are in school, I can spend my days with him. If nothing else, it helps my anxiety. Go figure... he breaks my heart into a million pieces, and I only feel peace when I am with him. I should just be madder than hell. But I am so afraid and  I hurt so much I can't even start to be angry. 

Friday night I went to the movie alone just to give him some space.... it was hard, but I actually enjoyed the movie. (I saw The Tourist.)  but Saturday, I had to go spend an entire day in meetings for a volunteer org.  I am with.  I did "OK" during the day because I was with other people. But on the way home... an hour's drive alone.... the anxiety just got to me and by the time I got home to him I was a freaking basket case.  I cried and cried and cried some more. It is just so hard to keep it together. 

We spent Sunday together at our house, and we actually enjoyed the day, even just working.  And when the kids came home from their dad's that night, he was so excited, telling them all about how their momma cut wood, ran wires, did plumbing, and can use a nailgun.   It was so cute..... it makes me hopeful, and yet I am afraid to hope. 
I got my fill last week, and at first, I would say there is not enough restriction.  But... in the last couple days as the anxiety increases, there are a couple days when I have been unable to eat as much.  So, I dont dare go for another fill just yet, even if I am eating too much overall. 

All I can say is thank goodness for this little piece of plastic, because without it.... I would be eating all day long.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Trying to get my head right

Thanks to the counsel of good friends who are not afraid to tell me I have not been myself since I got married -- I am determined to do what I can to make this right.  This will be a long post, but it all about me being honest with myself.

Since August, I have:

  • planned a wedding and got married in three weeks after he had been away for several weeks.
  • got married again after I swore I would never -- incredibly hard to adjust to a husband again
  • placed my home on the market, with the clock ticking towards foreclosure...... and lost the home anyway.
  • moved from very rural, lifelong home into downtown city nearby
  • moved into husband home -- nothing is mine here, mine is all in storage. 
  • moved from a large home where I had my personal space to a SMALL home where there is no such thing. 
  • my baby has gone to school all day, so my days are all mine.  I enjoy that too much and have a hard time adjusting to the chaos when everyone comes home. I am a solitary person.
  • I lost the friendship of the ONE friend I could actually spend time with... she has much drama in her life, and it was a one-sided thing friendship in which I was always helping her pick up the pieces after some crisis. I miss her... I do not miss her drama.
  • no longer HAVE to work..... this creates conflict because I LOVE my job and get great personal satisfaction from working.  BUT..... I love being with my husband, I love this house we are building, and the ability to be there with him. I can't have both. 
  • I have had issues with my band, so from July-December, constant PB, slime, throwing up, challenge to eat, and I FEEL LIKE HELL.  
So there you have it -- just a little stress since August.  But this is the thing -- it has weighed me down. There are days I dont want to get off the couch. I have been sugar binging like crazy.

My poor husband is not easily overwhelmed. He was single for a long time. He has been alone for a long time. And he didn't marry just me, he married four children as well. Naturally, he is overwhelmed.  


In all my days of adjusting to this new married life, I have often asked myself what the hell I am doing.  I love him, I want to be with him, but I have also missed being single.  (see above, I am a solitary person.)   

But when the husband says he isn't happy...... then suddenly everything changes.  Because I LOVE THAT MAN.  

Solitary me who cherishes my solitude .... suddenly, the idea of being alone scares the effing hell out of me.  He brings so much joy and happiness to my life. Even now, in the chaos this week has brought, I find such comfort just being near him. He is a most incredible, amazing person. There is nothing I love more than seeing his truck pull in the driveway at night, or seeing my children all snuggled around him on the couch at night. 

So I need to pull my head out and make this right.  I need to just get over all of those bullet point stress things. When I got divorced, I told my kids things would be different..... not bad, just different.  Time to live up to those words. The reality is..... I have the luxury of writing because I love it... working from home, AND being with my family. The reality is, I dont have a job which allows me to be with my retired husband while all of the little people are in school.  The reality is... I have been dying to get away from my little small town, and even though it is scary as hell, it won't kill me.  And I sure as hell don't want to go back. 

So, I need to focus on getting back to my gym routine because it makes me feel good.  I need to start my day with gratitude and I need to make that husband of mine feel absolutely cherished. 

Damn, I knew getting married again would be hard.... especially hard for two, long-time, single solitary people. I just really had no idea HOW hard.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The High Price of Stress:

OMG.  I went for my fill yesterday, and was completely shocked to see my blood pressure reading.....162/112.  Back on meds I go, but geez, remind me not to take my pill at night, for Pete's sake... I was up peeing half the night. 

And, it's official... my weight was up by 13 pounds. Yup, maybe I have been eating too much.  No worries about that now... I really am sick to my stomach still.  

My nurse at the clinic was a gem... she let me cry in her office, she let me know that at one point, her husband also wanted to leave because he was so overwhelmed by the kids, that she had to be a single parent (without looking like a single parent) for months while he sorted through everything. 

I got to talk to my husband a little bit yesterday, although I can't say it was helpful.  The girls are all home now, so it is time to get back to life as we know it.  This is the part where I have to act as if all is right in my world when the reality is, I am dying inside.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Thanks for the hugs!

All of these hugs are precious... I sure needed them.  It has been a long weekend, parts hellish, parts hopeful.  Three of my four kids spent the weekend with their dad, and the teenager isn't around much anyway.  So, me and the husband got to spend a lot of time together. We haven't really talked a lot just yet, beyond the initial conversation.  We just worked on our house together and tried to enjoy each other's company. 

One of the few things he was able to tell me is that married life isn't like when we were dating.... our lives are 100% different now.  And he is right.  Some of that is necessary, because we are parents now.  He was single for 12 years, so big changes for him.  And all of his time is eaten up with this house thing, so it has been a challenge.  I wish he could see it is all about balance... it would make such a difference.

 I do have to give him credit..... he has been there for me when I was hurting (he come and asked me to come back to bed the other night just as I hit the send button, tears and all.)  And, he has been trying really, really hard in every other way.  And I have been too. 

I have never been afraid of being alone until I had him.  And in many ways, I think my kids would be more heartbroken if this marriage broke up than when me and their dad divorced.  I don't know if he will do counseling yet.  But I do have reinforcements coming, if you can call it that.  Our post commander is going to help get him out of the house with the guys a little bit (for service projects) and see if it will help him just to get away and chill out once in a while.  And I am going to put a higher priority on helping him at the house... it is the only time we can just be US, not mom & dad. 

On a side note, I go to the big city today for a fill.  With all of this stress, I have noticed being a little tighter, but I am still eating too much.  And on the flip side.... usually with stress, I chow on the junk food.  But this has been such an over-the-top stress, that I haven't really wanted to eat much. So any way, I think the sugar binging is more under control, so it is a good time for a fill. I will just ask the nurse to only put in the tiniest amount so I dont end up puking again.  

Ugh...... my SIL just dropped by unannounced,  and I am still in my bed in my jammies!!! Guess I need to throw some clothes on and at least say hello.  

Thanks again for the hugs...... I needed them!  And A. ...... girls' weekend is definitely needed!!!!  

Sunday, January 16, 2011

falling apart

My husband told me yesterday morning that he isn't happy with our marriage. I have been so numb I couldn't even cry. Until now.... I have been up since 3:30 a.m..... mostly watching him sleep. I finally got out of bed and cried. Some. It took everything in my power not to panic yesterday, but in the wee hours, all there is to do is think, and worry and panic. And HURT.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Sick, sick SICK to my stomach

This is suck a very long story, I am not sure I can condense it well. 

I got married last summer. We were both divorced for a long time.I don't like my ex much.  He is still friends with his.  And mostly, I am OK with that. I mean, it is just good for the kids. It is hard though. 

Before we got married, they still talked 3-4 times a week.  Literally to the day we got married. Then nothing.   If she needed something, she would give me a message for him on Facebook. 

Until suddenly, this week, two lengthy phone calls on his cell (I get the bill) from a blocked number.  Honestly, yes, I am assuming it was her.

I get it that they may talk on occasion.  But he never mentioned it.  Their kids are grown..... no need for major communication.  (Am I being petty??)

I dont want to say anything -- dont want him to think I am checking on purpose. But this is really killing me. 


Spring Fever and other random stuff

I got up and went to the gym this morning.  Day two this week, three times in the last two weeks.  It is slow, but it is still progress.  I just finally reached a point of feeling HORRIBLE and the only thing that cures it is working out.  The chiropractor helps, but that costs money.  

I am sitting here at the kitchen table with my breakfast...... scrambled eggs with mushrooms and pepper jack cheese, and fresh salsa from the restaurant up the street..... and while I eat, I am watching our sweet neighbor from across the street pushing his snowblower across our driveway.  I really should make him some cookies.  OK, maybe not.  Because YOU know, and I  know, that I will eat half of them!! 

I am really tired of the white stuff. Tired of being cooped up in the house. Tired of being cold. I miss the sunshine.  I miss  my little spot at the reservoir where I can soak up the sun while my kids are happy and playing in the water. 

I miss GREEN. 

I don't know about all of you, but I needed a bit of springtime today. So, I am sharing these pretty flowers with you. :)

Monday, January 10, 2011


Well, this could be just what I needed, as miserable as it is.  You know that chocolate addiction I have been fighting?  Well, I can now say... I have been chocolate free for 36 hours. 

No thanks to a nice little flu bug.  

I don't hurt so much today, but I am still weak, and lacking in appetite.  And I am still so very tired, so I am going back to bed. 

I am hoping that this actually helps me get back on track.  I do have something to work towards now...... just bought plane tickets to go back east and visit family for 10 days next month.  I am so excited.  The last time I flew, I had to ask for a seatbelt extender.  This time..... I shouldn't need to.  But definitely something to work towards.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Went to the gym, got on the scales.....

I did make it to the gym today.... 15 minutes on the elliptical.

And the bad news....... I have gained 10 pounds in the last month or so.  Gym scale said 231 pounds. So there it is. Denial no more.

Do I have chocolate on my breath?

It is now 7:43 a.m. and yes indeedy, there is chocolate on my breath.  I have fallen so far off my little path it is trully pathetic. I need to get back on. I need to go for a fill.  I need to stop the insanity.  

CONFESSION:  I ate five bars of chocolate yesterday.   A (large) Hershey bar, a  (large) Symphony Bar, a Cadbury Fruit and Nut Bar, and two (regular size) cookies 'n cream bars.   And another large Hershey bar for breakfast this morning.  

My sugar addiction has taken over again.  It is the one thing I dislike about the holidays.

Life has gone back to "normal"... husband is back to work on our house, kids are back in school, Christmas has been packed up in boxes and returned to the garage.   But I have not gone back to normal. I have not been eating normally, I have not been going to the gym.  And I have been ODing on junk food at every opportunity. 

I seriously need to go for a fill, but really, I am just afraid to get on the scale and see what the damage is.  

I am afraid of going back to puking my guts up all the time.  (I have been eating so good, in fact, that I think it is safe to say, my band has not slipped!)

And I am afraid of gaining 90+ pounds back if I don't get back to business. 

I wish I had  someone to hold my hand and drag my fat behind to the gym for the next two weeks.  This is when I really need those support groups held by my clinic.  But dang that is a drive! And in the winter besides.

And while I am sitting here knowing where I need to go, I am fighting a monster craving... must. have. cookies 'n cream bar.   Man, am I in big trouble or what?????