Trying to get my head right

Thanks to the counsel of good friends who are not afraid to tell me I have not been myself since I got married -- I am determined to do what I can to make this right.  This will be a long post, but it all about me being honest with myself.

Since August, I have:

• planned a wedding and got married in three weeks after he had been away for several weeks.
• got married again after I swore I would never -- incredibly hard to adjust to a husband again
• placed my home on the market, with the clock ticking towards foreclosure...... and lost the home anyway.
• moved from very rural, lifelong home into downtown city nearby
• moved into husband home -- nothing is mine here, mine is all in storage. 
• moved from a large home where I had my personal space to a SMALL home where there is no such thing. 
• my baby has gone to school all day, so my days are all mine.  I enjoy that too much and have a hard time adjusting to the chaos when everyone comes home. I am a solitary person.
• I lost the friendship of the ONE friend I could actually spend time with... she has much drama in her life, and it was a one-sided thing friendship in which I was always helping her pick up the pieces after some crisis. I miss her... I do not miss her drama.
• no longer HAVE to work..... this creates conflict because I LOVE my job and get great personal satisfaction from working.  BUT..... I love being with my husband, I love this house we are building, and the ability to be there with him. I can't have both. 
• I have had issues with my band, so from July-December, constant PB, slime, throwing up, challenge to eat, and I FEEL LIKE HELL.  

So there you have it -- just a little stress since August.  But this is the thing -- it has weighed me down. There are days I dont want to get off the couch. I have been sugar binging like crazy.

My poor husband is not easily overwhelmed. He was single for a long time. He has been alone for a long time. And he didn't marry just me, he married four children as well. Naturally, he is overwhelmed.  

And I DID NOT HELP. 

In all my days of adjusting to this new married life, I have often asked myself what the hell I am doing.  I love him, I want to be with him, but I have also missed being single.  (see above, I am a solitary person.)   

But when the husband says he isn't happy...... then suddenly everything changes.  Because I LOVE THAT MAN.  

Solitary me who cherishes my solitude .... suddenly, the idea of being alone scares the effing hell out of me.  He brings so much joy and happiness to my life. Even now, in the chaos this week has brought, I find such comfort just being near him. He is a most incredible, amazing person. There is nothing I love more than seeing his truck pull in the driveway at night, or seeing my children all snuggled around him on the couch at night. 

So I need to pull my head out and make this right.  I need to just get over all of those bullet point stress things. When I got divorced, I told my kids things would be different..... not bad, just different.  Time to live up to those words. The reality is..... I have the luxury of writing because I love it... working from home, AND being with my family. The reality is, I dont have a job which allows me to be with my retired husband while all of the little people are in school.  The reality is... I have been dying to get away from my little small town, and even though it is scary as hell, it won't kill me.  And I sure as hell don't want to go back. 

So, I need to focus on getting back to my gym routine because it makes me feel good.  I need to start my day with gratitude and I need to make that husband of mine feel absolutely cherished. 

Damn, I knew getting married again would be hard.... especially hard for two, long-time, single solitary people. I just really had no idea HOW hard.