I am going to have a come-apart!!!!!!!!!

On Tuesday, I was in desperate need of a long hot bubble bath, but I got called to do a newspaper story, so I spent the afternoon working, and my opportunity was lost. 

So yesterday, I REALLY needed that hot bath. Not to mention the greasy hair, hairy legs and other "ewwwww" factors.  Instead, I got 2 minutes in an ankle-deep tub of cold water. Skip the hair and wash what I have to.... because my daughter got the luxury of a long, leisurely hot shower. 

Therefore TODAY........ I told her in no uncertain terms that mom gets the bathroom first. PERIOD. 

But if you think I am freshly bathed and relaxed, think again!!! 

It takes a long time for the hot water to actually get hot and get up the stairs to my tub, so you usually have to start it and give it time to heat.  Which I did.  And then I put in a few pumps of Lavender and Chamomile bubble bath that my step-daughter sent me for Christmas.  And then I waited for my tub to fill so I could sink into a hot tub of goodness. 

Well, that won't be happening. 

Because yours truly failed to flip the switch to plug the drain.  And while I was waiting for my tub to fill, all of that hot water went right down the effing drain.

I am not sure what makes me more angry -- that once again I am gypped of my bubble bath, (I really do have things I should be working on, not lounging in the tub all day long!) or that this time it is my own damn fault... can't even blame the teenager this time.

I JUST WANTED A HOT BATH.... IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK!? 

Avoidance and bad behavior

I hope you all had a special holiday with your families.  I celebrated my first Christmas with my new husband and I have to say, it was a nice day. 

I guess I am in quite a rut right now..... eating lots of caramels, chocolate and anything else I can get my hands on.  I have been avoiding my Twitter and my blogs, the things that help keep me in line. Sometimes it is just too much to think about every waking moment.

Apparently, I need a fill again.  But, I am so afraid of going back to the puking and sliming.  At this point, I would have to say my band hasn't slip.  After the last unfill, I can eat pretty good now.  Maybe too good. But, I need to get my self under control and work some of this weight off before I am going back to the Big City to get on that scale. More avoidance.... I dont want to see the evidence of my misbehavior in numbers.

The first two hours of my day.... and only 12 more to go!

 The day has only just begun, so there isn't much to day just yet.  I am off to a good start for the day, but I am so worried about getting through the entire day.  But, for now, in a nutshell........
 

•  The scale at the gym this morning said 224.  I expected it to go up, but maybe not that much.  Yikes.  However, I will also say that when I was at the gym this morning, The Girls were a little sore with the jiggling on the elliptical.  So, with any luck, it is just  PMS bloating and water weight gain. Well, MOSTLY water.  After all, I did eat way too much candy last week. 

• My husband's friends brought him a nice plate of fudge for Christmas.  Sweet man, he took that plate to work with him today.  No temptation for me -- hallelujah!! 

• Breakfast this morning:  One chocolate protein shake made with one cup milk, one packet Carnation Sugar-free Instant Breakfast, one scoop protein powder and about 5 ice cubes. 

•  I made it to the gym today, my first day back after being sick for a couple weeks.  As I expected, I was only good for 20 minutes on the elliptical, no incline.  So, I will have to work back up to 40 plus incline.  But, I went, and can I just day....... it felt SO GOOD.  

• I forgot my inhaler for the gym today, but I didn't get out of breath til the very end of my workout, and there was no tightness or pain in my chest.  Which for me just means that yes, I am feeling much better and it is time to get back on the ball.

 
 Now I only have to get through the next 12 hours without completely pigging out and binging on everything in sight!  The first thing is to go find something filling for breakfast because that prtein shake just didn't do it for me.  Then...... it's Christmas time, ya'll!!!  I might have a few presents to wrap, and some bling to sew onto a skirt, all while spending my morning with Matt Lauer, Rachael Ray.  That ought to keep me busy till lunch time.  And if I can do all that without giving in to the munchies, then I just might indulge in a very long, hot bubble bath.  TTFN!!!!!!!!
 

Who the hell am I trying to kid?

I have eaten so much fudge in the last week it is just PATHETIC.   Disgusting, really. 

I haven't been to the gym in two weeks due to illness, so I have no idea what the scale says.  But you can be sure I have more than two pounds to lose now.  

I am such a freaking sugar addict and I CAN NOT LEAVE IT ALONE.  Especially during Christmas.  

I don't have much restriction these days. I can definitely eat way more than 3/4 cup.  I guess the good news is I can still only eat a small meal (almost full luncheon size plate).  And, I am not stuck, throwing up or sliming.  

But still..... can't make progress like this. 

So.... so much for the big plan.  Right now, day-by-day is about is as good as it gets with all of the Christmas craziness.  Tomorrow, I will go to the gym.  I will get on the scale and take my medicine.  Beyond that -- there are no guarantees.

Indulgence Avoidance -- 12 days and two pounds.

I am laying around in bed with my laptop this morning, reading blogs from the weekend.  Band-Babe had a very good question.

Holiday hell, our neighbor just brought over homemade chocolates- and if my family doesn't eat them fast enough, they will be going into the garbage can. I'd rather waste food, than waste my life fat. Definitely the better choice for me. I'm trying to put together a holiday indulgence avoidance strategy. I allowed myself to do whatever at Thanksgiving, but with very little restriction right now, that's probably not the best idea. I probably won't go for a fill until January, so this will mostly be up to me. The indulgence avoidance strategy is an entire post in itself. Do you have one?

Twelve Days til Christmas and I do not have a plan.  

Not only that, but I am Two Pounds Away from 100 pound weightloss.  

And it had never crossed my mind to come up with a plan.  

 I have less restriction now than I have had for a while.  In this last seven days, I have just been so thankful to eat without being sick and hurting.  Two pounds in 4 weeks should be SO EASY.  And yet I know it will be the hardest two pounds I have lost. Even if I had a plan and followed it to a tee. 

So, week one is behind me. I have been sick, so I have not been going to the gym.  Eating has been OK, although I couldn't tell you what I have been eating.  

Week two begins today.  I am still sick... have a nice little respiratory bug that, when mixed with asthma, makes it so I don't perform well at the gym.  So, probably no gym this week either.  Which means I must be extra good about calories.   Calories and protein.  Pay attention.  

Week three will end on Christmas Day.  Hopefully, I will be back at the gym this week.  I am sure I will be back down to 20 minutes on the elliptical, and I will have to work hard to get up to 30 by Christmas Eve.

And then week four... the week after Christmas.  With weigh-in around the corner, and two weeks away from the gym, I will need to work so hard to get the results I want.  I have been saying for months now that I need to resume weight training.  I guess now is the time.  

This doesn't totally address the food, although it isn't the Christmas dinners that bother me -- it is the cookies and the candy!! What I do know is that I must make room for SOME or I will totally binge. 

But, like Band-Babe , I can say there will be a lot of junk to hit the trash.  If I am going to indulge, it will be on only the best..... Mom's homemade caramels or Grandma's raisin cookies.  If it is store bought, I don't need it. The silly things the neighbor's bring ..... to be determined.  I have new neighbors this Christmas so I dont know that there is anything I just have to have.

Oh yeah.  And maybe I should tattoo the words TWO POUNDS on my forehead.

Need your advice

I have been sick for a week now and the ick is moving into my lungs.  My asthma will not like that much.  I am headed to see the doctor now.  The last two times I have been on antibiotics, I was given HUGE ones.  

The first were in capsule form and I tried to open and take with something else -- nasty and a pain.  

Last time, I got very large tablets.  Even when I cut them in half, I could only take 1/2 at a time. 

Needless to say, I did not finish my antibiotics either time. 

But this time, if I have stuff in my lungs, I HAVE to finish every last one of them, if not two rounds or I will be sick for weeks. 

So.... any ideas?  The Z-pac isnt too bad and  may be able to request that. (My doc is out for the weekend, and I am seeing a different doc than normal, so I am not sure.)  All my other meds are liquid and I do OK with them. 

I will be back soon -- ready for a nap!

Relief!!

I decided I needed something a little more positive to show at the top of my page, so I thought I would mention that the unfill on Monday has brought much relief.  I feel so much better!

Of course, I am still really concerned about a slipped band, so I have been very super careful..... I stayed on liquids Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, and I only added in some mushies yesterday.  I just CANNOT be spending so much time with the Porcelain Throne. 

Also on a more positive note, I have been doing some writing this week.  I love my job as a journalist so much, but there is little work where I am at. So, instead of working full time, I work part-time, from home, a little here and a little there. Honestly, it is the best of both worlds and I should be happy, but I love the job so much that it is frustrating to me when I am not writing.  So anytime I have stories published, it is a good day. 

Otherwise, I have been fighting a cold.  I have crappy lungs that love a good case of bronchitis, so at the first sign of a cold, I have to really watch it.  So, this week, I have not been going to the gym.  I have been resting a lot. taking a lot of Airborne and being very diligent about my Advair.  (Please hold while I take a puff now, come to think of it. )  Yesterday, I grabbed a book and filled the tub with hot water and my favorite smelly bath salts.  They always say to get plenty of liquids, right?  I think three hours in the tub ought to do the trick.  I didn't mean to...... but the book I was reading was SO good!!!

In fact, so good that I am going to cozy up in my bed and read the morning away.  It has been ages since I finished an entire book in a couple days!

My thoughts on the death of Elizabeth Edwards

"A lot of people have great hope, and a lot of people who have great hope live. And, some of them who have great hope die. So it's not that hope is going to save you. A positive attitude is not going to save you. What it's going to do is, everyday, between now and the day you die, whether that's a short time from now or a long time from now, that every day, you're going to actually live." 

This is a quote from Elizabeth Edwards, who died today.   I admire her so much.  In the face of cancer, and in the face of everything her husband put her through..... she handled all of it with dignity and grace.  If she had an inner bitch in her, she didn't let the world see it.  That is such a rarity these days.  

It is funny... I was thinking of her and her illness this morning, and how she must be feeling as a mother of young children...maybe hoping at least for one last Christmas. I was thinking about the holidays, and my friend Jeff, who was fighting cancer at this time last year. Jeff, a single father of four boys, died the day after Christmas last year. 

These things combined make me think of my sweet husband.  I married a man who is older than me ... I am 38, he is 50.  His father died in his 40s of heart problems.  My husband seems to be quite healthy, and I am glad for that. But the reality is..... who ever knows how much time we have with one another?  My neighbor, who is in her 60s, said she feels like she should have a good 5-7 years of enjoying her husband post-retirement.  Which made me think....... what if........

What if I only have 5-7 years with this sweet husband of mine? 

Yes, I have 20 years of baggage that has been causing issues for me. But in the ONE year I have been with my husband, he has tried harder than my ex tried in 20. 

I need to set my issues aside and cherish this man for all the days that I have him. 

Him, my children, my family.... I am surrounded by amazing people. 

Foaming at the mouth today

I am so sorry, this is Blog Post #4 today.  But -- no one else to talk to at the moment. 

I am freaked out about the possibility of a slipped band.  I would really like to talk to my husband about it.  But today has been one of those days.  He spent the day working on the house.  He got home..... I had to leave for a baby shower.  In the 2 minutes I got to talk to him, it was all about the house.  I couldn't get a word.  I got home from the baby shower, and the first thing was all about how the computer didn't work STILL.  

I probably wasn't very nice to him.  I told him I am DONE with that computer -- I tried to do what I could to fix it. And then I took it to the shop.  But I feel like everything I have done isn't good enough, like he is second guessing every move I make with it.  I am not a computer geek.  I am sick of trying to struggle through the thing to figure it out.  

Remember when I said I am not good at this newlywed stuff? 

He said he didn't mean that it was my fault.  But I can also tell he isn't happy with me and my attitude.  So he is in the shower and I am here with my laptop feeling like an ass.   For half a second I stopped to wonder why I get so damn defensive.  But I am tired. I am still freaked out about the band and I don't really want to get into any heavy thinking right now.  I am tired and I am coming down with a cold. And when I get a cold, it very quickly turns to bronchitis if I am not super careful.  And I am really just whining at this point.

I am so sorry for that.  But ..... had to get it off my chest.  Going to do the dishes now. 

Crap...... now what?

Well. 

My appointment today was good.... but also potentially bad. 

The good news....... actual weigh-in was 213 pounds.  The gym scale gives me an idea of what is happening.  But this one is the one I have to go by.  I was 216 on November 15.  So, down three pounds. Haha, it doesn't sound as cool as 6 pounds on the gym scale.  But...... there is water weight and all that blah blah blah.  So.... that leaves me TWO POUNDS AWAY from 100 pounds lost.  

The bad news.... my nurse Vivienne thinks I have the beginning of a slip.  With all of the up and down, too tight, fill/unfill...... she is getting concerned.  So, we took out .75 cc today, leaving only 1 cc in for now.  If that doesn't do it, we take it ALL out.  She said sometimes that will be enough to correct a slip.  But it things don't improve alot, them I am looking at a barium swallow and x-rays.   Yuck.  

My biggest worry is the requirement for another surgery. Financially -- that scares me.  Does anyone have any knowledge/experience with a slipped band?  

If all goes well... I will not be going back to the Big City until the first of next year.  I just want to get through the holidays.  And even if I do not have enough restriction...... I don't want any potential for issues.  

If I was to look through my rose colored glasses, I would like to think I can lose two measly pounds  in a month.  But, it is Christmas.  But if I have a slip... well, then, who the hell knows.  

I am still on liquids for a couple more days, then mushies.... have to baby this poor tummy along.  Because I really do not want another surgery. Too bad they can't do a tummy tuck along with fixing the band.  It's just about time!

Good news....

I just got back from the gym..... Last Friday, I was at 222.  

Today.... 215.5  

If nothing else, what that means is I have lost weight AND been retaining water.  So with any luck, tightness will go away soon.  Hoping-Hoping-Hoping!!!

Hahaha... and with the good news, there is always bad news, isnt there?  Yeah.  The bad news is -- it is snowing.  Alot.  And it takes an hour and a half to get to the Big City on a good day.  Not sure I want to drive amongst the crazies today. 

But I really want this weigh-in.  

Laughing even harder... I will probably make it to 99 pounds lost today just because I want 100 so badly!  I will let you all know tonight!

I just need a break from this.... but.....

I go to the Big City today for a weigh-in.  It has been three weeks since a slight unfill.  I felt so much better for days and it was wonderful to be able to eat! But, now I am super tight again, stuck on just liquids for the last four days. Last night, I attempted a single Club cracker. I can not believe the pain from one silly cracker. 

Right this minute, I am so ready for another unfill.  I am tired of wanting to eat and being unable to. I am tired of puking and being in pan if I even try  mushies.  But then, right before my fill, I was EATING LIKE CRAZY.  So I am a little afraid of an unfill. I feel like I will have ZERO control once this band quits being mean to me. 

So, I will be down there at 1:30 this afternoon and we will see what the scale has to say.  I mean, I am SO CLOSE to the 100 pound milestone that I just don't want to be stalled here forever. 

Naming the Band.... may need some help on this one!

I totally love that so many of you have given your band a name.  

I think maybe my band needs a name.

As I was bowing before the Porcelain Throne tonight after dinner, I decided that if I had to give her a name today, it would be The Bitch. 

I was doing OK after an unfill three weeks ago.  But suddenly I am too tight again.  I have been on liquids only for a couple days.  Well, tonight I caved and had a bit of baked potato.... very soft.  But, my stomach rebelled. 

But on a good band day, maybe The Bitch doesn't sound very friendly.  I just haven't come up with a suitable alternative yet.  

Any ideas?

Oh, the irony!!

As if I haven't eaten enough pie in the last 4 days. 

My stepdaughter recently held a Pampered Chef party to show off her new home.  Of course, I couldn't be there because she lives in another state. But... thanks to the internet, I can still spend money, right? I did. :)

So today, the doorbell range and the Fabulous Fed-ex man left a box on my step today.  

Inside the box, buried beneath layers of brown paper was another box.  And inside this smaller box is my new prize.....

..............A brand-new Cranberry Deep-Dish Pie Plate. 

How amazingly ironic is that?  

I guess if I was good, I would find a new recipe for a nice, savory pot pie for dinner.  But really, the pecans in my freezer are calling my name.  So, I will be a good band girl.  My pretty new pie plate will go back in the box so that it can be stored in my kitchen in the garage, where it will sit an collect dust untiI can move into my brand new kitchen in the Big House. Next year.

Unless of course, the stress takes over and makes me want pie. :)

PS.  The lemon meringue pie is gone now.
.

What the HELL is wrong with me!?

Oh. My. Freakin. HELL.  

Every little thing is making me crazy these days.  Like looney bins crazy.

Sunday night, I was so tired.  When I am tired, my brain is checked out.  Do not ask me to do or think anything that is more complicated than "do you want to go to bed?"

I was in the middle of mindlessly putting away my CDs, making sure all the CD inserts were in the CD book, etc. Husband interrupts my trance-like state to ask if Windows had a free download that would make all the issues on his computer go away.  I say "yes, let me help you in a few... brain can not switch gears in this moment."  Not good enough......He wants help RIGHT NOW. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't mean about it... just keeps asking me questions that I cant answer off the top of my head. You know... like what I AM DOING IS NOT IMPORTANT. 

Stress. 

I spent all day Monday working on his computer. I am not a computer geek, but I can fake it when I need to.  And I got his computer running SO much better than it was. Before all things, he is a man.  SO no, he didn't go try it out to see how it was working.  Or even say thank you.  It just wasn't good enough because the screen saver wasn't moving as fast as he thought it should. So -- I was sulking. And if that wasn't enough -- I burned the garlic bread.  I didn't just burn the garlic bread, I started the damn thing on fire. And set off the smoke alarm.  And then I sat down on the stairs and cried like a baby. 

STRESS.

Last night -- I was so excited that he came home early, but he went right out to the garage. His sister offered to stay with kids so we could have a date night. Just the two of us.  But.... he had things to do. And then -- he is so wrapped up in this house he is working on, I feel as if who I am and what I do has become non-existent.  No tears last night... but I did go to bed early.  I just wanted to be ALONE. I was single for five years. I am not afraid of being alone. I would rather be alone than invisible. 

I didn't cry..... but did I mention that I ATE EVERYTHING IN SIGHT?  ALL DAMN DAY. 

I started off so good -- with 40 minutes at the gym and a protein shake for breakfast.  But then......

A piece of lemon meringue pie. A whole wheat roll with turkey and avocado. Several pieces of chocolate. Another piece of pie.  Chips. More chocolate. More chocolate. Another roll-turkey-avocado. Another piece of pie. (Damn, it is good stuff, I am telling you!)  Cheese and crackers before bed. I am telling you -- I was out of control.  

If I was to guess, I would predict that one of these days soon, I will go to the gym and find five pounds have appeared from out of hormonal nowhere. And them I will say -- aha! I haven't been just a bitch... I have been a PMS bitch. 

My poor husband.  In his defense, can I just tell you that when I was sitting on the step bawling my eyes out over garlic bread, that sweet man ran to the grocery store and bought more bread.  Not only that.... he also ran to the liquor store and bought me a bottle of my favorite whine wine.  All before the spaghetti got cold. 

I love him SO much -- I am just not so good at being a newlywed. 

But I AM really good at eating pie.