Oh the drama!!!!!!

What a day!!!!  I am such a drama hater and I have had way more than I care to handle today.  But, I am almost to the point of embracing my inner bitch and being OK with everything these people dole out to me today.

So this is the deal......

My 14 year old niece puts up a photo on Facebook of her and her boyfriend kissing.  You know....... one of those cheesy, stand in front of the bathroom mirror with your cell phone pictures. Of course, she gets a bazillion comments, mostly from a lot of other teens egging her on.   However, the thing that that really bothered me was her telling someone "hahaha, my daddy isnt a happy camper, hahah."  With smilies. 

I told her "It doesn't matter if you are 14 or 34, a photo like that is inappropriate and I can understand why your daddy is not happy.  I wish you had more respect for him than that."  

And, I sent her a private message this morning telling her that I wasnt going to tell her right or wrong, I just wanted her to have some self-respect for herself because so many boys will see that picture and get the wrong message, and I dont want that for her.   

Well, the short story is that my sister-in-law (the stepmom) has ripped me a new one and told me to mind my freaking business.  And then she unfriended me, after telling me my brother is also pissed about what I said.

AND, my brother's EX-wife was logged into my nieces acct. when I sent private message to her. And I got it all over again. And I was told that if I only see her on holidays and birthdays, I don't get to have opinions.  (Even though me and my parents have to fight tooth and nail for every time we want to see those kids.)

Ughhhhh!!!!!! 

I hate this kind of stuff and I am pissed that it has taken up so much time in my day.  But on the flip side, what did I do wrong here????? I tried to teach my niece about self respect.  Well, I just can't be sorry for that.  And if the grownups in her life cant handle another adult trying to be a positive influence on her, that is their problem. 

I am so frustrated today.  The east way out would be to just let them (my nieces) go.  As their mom so kindly pointed out..... there is no court order that says she has to let her kids see their grandparents, or their aunts or their cousins. 

And on the other side, these little girls are CHILDREN and it is not their fault their parents got divorced.  They shouldn't have to go through this and it pisses me off when grown-ups can't act like the adults they are.

Mmmm.... meatloaf!

I made meatloaf for dinner last night, then I got on Sparkspeople and figured up the calories!!!

HOLY COW!!!!  ;)

This is the nutrition info provided by that website:

Nutritional Info

• Servings Per Recipe: 10
• Amount Per Serving
• Calories: 350.4

• Total Fat: 25.5 g
• Cholesterol: 95.7 mg
• Sodium: 389.7 mg
• Total Carbs: 11.2 g
• Dietary Fiber: 1.2 g
• Protein: 18.0 g

One of my Twitter friends wanted to know if there was some way to trim the calories. So, first... how I make my meatloaf:   

2 pounds of ground beef:    I was born and raised on a cattle ranch, so my beef is FULL of fat.  But it does not look like a pile of worms on a Styrofoam tray and it tastes GOOD, so I am partial to it.   LOL..... I had a friend once who told me I am a Meat Snob, because I won't eat the stuff out of the grocery store.  But you all have different tastes, so this would be the very first place to trim calories.  


1 cup grated carrots and about 8 ounces fresh mushrooms, diced.  


3 eggs (normally I do one egg per pound of meat, but with the mushrooms and carrots, I added an egg.)


1 cup bread crumbs


Generous amount of Montreal Steak Seasoning (to taste)
Worcestershire sauce ( AKA Bug Juice in our family.  
Parsley

And, because I hate catsup with a passion, I make my meatloaf with wither BBQ sauce or, light night I used Lea & Perrin's Steak sauce, maybe about 1/3 of a cup.  


Once every thing is all mixed, I spread in the pan and spread a thin layer of the steak sauce on the top.  


Last night, I was preparing for my family of SIX, so I used a large loaf pan.  However, I have cooked my meatloaf in a MUFFIN PAN because that makes perfect single serving sizes that I can freeze.... great for lunches or those times when I dont have to cook for everyone.  


So.... how else to trim calories...... I don't always use breadcrumbs, and I could have maybe got by with 2 eggs.  


For me, 350 calories just for the meatloaf was startling, especially because we also had baked potatoes for dinner.  But really, if I omit a starch and just eat the meatloaf and a veggie, that really isn't a bad meal in terms of total calories. And it is a great source of protein. So for me, I will leave it just the way it is. 

Haha, so maybe that is the answer:  cut calories by cutting the potato....I will  leave my meatloaf just the way it is!!

Calorie Counting etc..... what's your plan?

What has it been since I posted last... a week?  Two?  Seems like the time has passed so quickly.  At my last post, I was STUCK. And it hurt. A lot.  I went for an unfill and she removed .75 ccs.  And I put seven pounds on as fast as they came off.  So then yesterday, I had .25 put back in.

That is the story of my life.  Get fill....too tight....lose weight... get stuck, unfill.... gain weight..... and get a fill again.  If you look at my weight chart, you will see the pattern there.  Up and down and up again.  It is just a wee bit aggravating.  I am so close to the 100 pound mark, and just a little farther than that to onederland.

So, I guess this is the point when I quit waiting for the band to tell me when to stop and I start being more concerned about calories. 

My nurse told me she wants me at 1100-1200 calories. 

So this is my question -- and believe me, ALL ideas are welcome.   What kind of plan do you all use to keep track of calories? I have used Sparkspeople in the past, but it takes so dang much time to do the food searches. And how do you account for things like homemade recipes that you have no idea what the calorie count is? 

My favorite plan ever was based on Diabetic exchanges, but I am not sure how many exchanges would equal the calorie range I need to be at. 

This morning, I had my protein shake for breakfast.  It is 1030 now, and I am ready for something else, but trying to hold out til it is closer to lunch time.  It seems like a long wait.  But, I am headed for a long hot bubble bath with my book, a novel about Marie Antoinette.  (Fascinating!)   My first thought was to take my sugar free hot apple cider to sip on in the meantime, but I have also been advised to cut out the artificial sweeteners, even fruit sweeteners.  Bah!!!!!!!   Yup, definitely need that hot bath!

If nothing else, I can't get in the fridge unless I scare my children with a naked streak to the kitchen!!

Happy Saturday to you!!

Stuck?!?!!?

I had dinner last night, and since then, I have that little ache in my back again.  And this morning, it feels like my dinner is still there.  Sigh.  I am not sure if I am just stuck,  or if this stupid old band just tightened up on me again.  

Any suggestions??  

I just wish me and Cailleach could get in sync... I really liked losing weight and I have so much more to lose.

What in the hell am I going to eat today?

I had an unfill the other day.. I had to.  I was in so much pain I can only compare it to having kidney stones. But the thing is, now I am really afraid of gaining the weight back, so I know I have to be super, very careful.  

I had a protein shake for breakfast this morning.... 230 calories, 28 grams of protein. Then I went to the gym and worked it off.  

It is 11 a.m.now and I am HUNGRY.  

I know I have lots of leftovers in the fridge...... tacos, spaghetti, homemade beef pot pie.    Calories!! Scare me!

I also know there is one bowl of chicken noodle soup and one bowl of tomato soup. And there is apple sauce.     Blah!! 

Oh... and the ice cream DD brought home yesterday..... my husband sent her to the store specifically for ice cream..... but really, did have to bring my favorite??? There is a big ol' giant tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream in my freezer.

I am sitting here in my bedroom, I know it is time to eat.  And I don't want to go anywhere near my refrigerator. 

With spring comes ...HOPE

I had a little bit of sunshine in my world this last week.  Aren't they pretty?? This is the first March in ages that spring has tried to make an appearance.... last several years it has been more like June.  Of course, I am not holding my breath... it can change at any moment.  So for now, I am just sucking up all the sunshine I can get. 

It is really hard to be in my husband's head.... he is not real great at sharing his feelings.  But..... if I have to go by how I feel.... I think just maybe he and I are on the upswing.  He made a comment to me a couple weeks ago... said he only knew what the crystal ball had to say about our future.  WHAT!?  Now...... I KNOW that he did not spend 25 years with the Marines and retire as a Master Gunnery Sgt. by waiting around to see what life would throw in his lap.  


LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. 


Since that day, he just seems to be trying harder and he just seems more like his old self.  Of course, I still haven't heard those three little words in a very long time.  That is hard.  But... I am just trying to give him the time to work through it all.  He didn't just marry me..... this man, at 50 yrs old, after 12 years of being single, married me AND four children. Of course it is overwhelming.  I only wish he understood how natural it is to get overwhelmed. I am their momma and they can do me in, lol!!


I had to get an unfill on Friday and now I am scared to death that my weight is going to go back up.  At my daughter's birthday part yesterday, I was able to eat a whole taco AND a brownie topped with ice cream.  TOO MUCH!!  So I will have to be really careful what I eat. And if I can't get a spot in my band that gets it right, I may have to settle for some restriction, and heaven forbid, maybe some restraint.  I have never been good at that. 

And I can't skip the gym, good as it sounds for today.Speaking of that, it is time to crawl out of my cozy warm bed and take the girlies to school, on the way to the gym. And then, lucky me... I get the day to myself.  I am liking Mondays more and more.

Oh the pain--- Cailleach strikes again!!!

Stupid band anyway!! 

My band has been tight but bearable until yesterday, when the pain got SO bad.... my back felt as awful as it did when I had kidney stones. It has never hurt that bad before.  But, I feel so blessed -- my nurse is really an angel.  

The clinic closes at 2 on Fridays and there was no way I could make the two-hour trip down there before closing. I called her to see if I could even get some Lortab to get me through the weekend (it was THAT much pain!) and before I could even ask, she said she would wait for me, just to come anyway.  I really love her!!! 

So... my sweet husband dropped what he was doing and drove me to the Big City, and Vivienne removed .75 ccs from my band.

I am so discouraged, because my weight is finally going down again.  But I am so so relieved... that pain was so unbearable. 

Rulon Gardner from Biggest Loser will be speaking at my gym in 10 days.  I would love to hear him speak, but it is also part of a weight loss seminar and I am sure the gym will be pushing their weight loss products, so I am not sure I will go. 

My oldest daughter turned 18 yesterday...... makes me sad.  I miss my little girls...... none of them are tiny anymore.... my "baby" is going to be 8 this year. And this morning, I woke up to the littlest in a rage... the two sisters in the middle are being "mean" to her and making her feel left out.... while the oldest sister is being mean and going away to college. Poor girl... I feel for her, but I am not in the mood for her temper tantrums today.  Girl has a serious anger problem that we have been working on for years.... but today the momma is just worn out. 

I would love to bury my head in the sand today... or hide in my cave with a good book.... but I have committed to taking daughters up to the house today.  DD#3 is excited... she gets to tear the sheetrock out of her bedroom so it can be redone.. and DD#2 is getting a new wall in her room. 

So..... I am headed for a soak in the tub.... maybe that will help me deal with the chaos a little better today.

On a downward spiral

I went to the Big City for a political event today, and while I was there I asked the clinic if I could drop by for a weigh-in.......... I am now to 219... wahoo!!! "Almost" down to where I was before Christmas happened..... and before stress happened.  

Of course, stress is still there, but I am doing all I can to remain positive.  And hey, a little bit of weight loss sure helps!

Wahoo!!!!

I am still super tight, but I managed to do some liquids yesterday -- I swear, I didn't think I could drink enough.  I think I had 3 glasses of juice and one of chocolate milk.  The juice was great, the milk... I could feel it but it stayed down.  I hope to get to protein shakes today.  

I didn't make it to the gym yesterday.... but I did today.  Twenty minutes, no incline. Not bad after two weeks of vacation.  Even better...... all of that weight I put on is gone.  The scale said 222 to me today.  Not bad at all, I say! 

 

Not sure about the gym today... but........

I NEED it so bad!!!

I went on vacation so I haven't been to the gym in a couple weeks.  My body aches and craves some real movement.  But I am not sure I would get a great workout today.

A few days before I left home, my band (recently given the name Cailleach) started to get tight.  I would say.. starting a week ago Sunday.  At first it was just tight in the a.m. but by dinner I was OK.  But by Saturday I was tighter than ever and had issues with dinner (PB & vomiting) and through the night and into Sunday morning.

Sunday was our day to travel home.  I was half way through the second flight before I felt like I could try some apple juice and one of those little ginger cookies (they melt in your mouth if you suck on them long enough).  At home, I had some egg drop soup and was OK with that.  And chocolate milk (my fave when I am super tight).  Yesterday, I had a hard time even keeping liquids down.  Even a cinnamon hard candy gave me the hiccups.

I am not sure just what the problem is....I do know I have been making a lot of nighttime trips to the bathroom, so likely there is some water retention.  But I also think some of it is just plain anxiety.  There has been more than enough of that to go around!

So a trip to the gym sounds so good right now...... I just know my energy stores are going to be quite low today.  And I am chicken to try to get anything down just yet.  I am hungry, just not sure is Cailleach will cooperate today.  :/

Drum roll.... and the name is......

So my band has been being a regular bitch again these days... can barely do liquids today.  So, since I had nothing better to do, I have been goofing around on the Wild WIld Web and I think I have come up with a name for this thing.......

Cailleach

Pronounced something like KYE-le-och.......It is a Gaelic word for witch or hag, and it just seems fitting.  

So there it is....

Me 'n my insecurities, soakin' up the sun

I am on vacation this week all the way across the country from my home.  It is almost like summer time here and it just feels so damn good to sit on the front step and soak up the sun.

And then again, I am sitting on a front step about a mile away from the ex-wife.  It hasn't been bad...... I haven't even seen her.  She could easily bring the Son over here and step inside to visit, but she never has.  Good on her. 

Husband took us out this afternoon to see where he used to work... and he took us out to lunch.  There is a marina near his former workplace and it was beautiful.  I would have been quite happy to spend the day there.

We just got back a little while ago, and I took everything in the house after shopping.  When I got into the room I have been sharing with my husband, I noticed my step-daughter was in there while we were gone.  This room is normally her craft room.  She had opened up a cabinet, and she left out a photo of her mom and her dad together.  In some way, it felt like a smack in the face..... like a reminder that I will never be the person her mother was.  I will always be second best. (Maybe when husband gets over his little freak-out and can tell me he loves me??? Gee, that might help.)

Geeesh, when in the HELL am I going to get over stupid stuff like that?? It sure does me no favors.  

On the Lap-band note, when I went out to dinner today, I actually had to make the mad dash to the restroom.... my band was having a bitch day (or maybe I ate too fast... or it might have been the bread, too) and I PB'd a bit... not too bad though.  Man, it has been a long time since that happened!! Hopefully, it was an isolated incident. 

All in all, it really has been a lovely little trip we are taking and I am so glad to be here.  But you know how it is to stay in someone else's house... it is hard to fill the idle time. And there has been a lot of it.  Lucky me, I can do my work from anywhere, so I think I am going to work for a couple hours tomorrow if I can get a strong enough signal on my cell phone to make some phone calls. 

Hope you all are doing well... I haven't been reading blogs for a few days, so I have much to catch up on.  BUt I hear it is supposed to be stormy again, so today..... It is all about the sunshine.  :) 

Happy Sappy Valentine's Day!!

I have a bazillion things to do today... leaving Thursday to go on vacation.  But, I still went to the gym, and I had such a very nice workout that my legs were shaking when I got home.  Yeah me!!  And even better......

There is this guy who works out at the gym. Well, he worked out a lot last winter.  And has just returned in the last week.  He is an older man, but always friendly, always has a smile, and even if he never says a word, he is still so supportive, if that makes sense.  Well, today, I got to the gym and he was on one of the weight machines -- I had to walk right past him to get to my friend the elliptical.  Only today -- he stopped me -- he noticed that I have lost tons of weight since he saw me last and said I looked great -- to keep up the good work. 

Sometimes, I get so caught up in the day to day struggle to notice my successes.... they are so small these days that they are easy to miss. It just felt so good to have someone else do the noticing for me today.  So.... pay attention.  Every time you notice even tiny changes and can say something nice to someone, it does such big things!

Speaking of that......It has been a long month for me, and several of you have been so supportive -- just want you to know -- I noticed!!  Thank you so so much! I am at long last starting to pick my head up off the ground. 

Donut Butt....... (OMG I HATE calling you that!!)  ... thank you for Friday.  I needed that so bad.  And Saturday would have been even better, I am sure, but that Marine of mine was having a pretty good day and I just wanted to be with him.  We need more of those good days, KWIM??

Happy Valentine's Day everyone.  I hope you have a super special day!!

More better

Ahhhhhhhhhh.  Big deep, cleansing breath and a sigh of relief.

I am starting to feel a little more normal again... now if the swelling and water weight would go away.  And quickly, please.

Last weekend, My Marine got out the doggie brush to take care of a ratty mess behind the dogs ear...... and was shocked to see that Dog is losing his thick winter coat... already.  Much earlier than last year.  I can only HOPE for spring.  During the last 4-5 years, it has snowed clear until June. :/

Oh, and one of my friends said she saw a robin yesterday.

Today, the sun is shining, and while it is still cold, the weather man has forecast 50 degrees for Valentine's Day.  Reminds me of spring time in my childhood, when springtime arrived... in the spring.  What a novel thought.

Speaking of Valentine's Day...... what on earth does one get the new husband who has everything he ever wanted and never wanted much in the first place?  Last year, he got me diamond earrings.  With the advance warning that I wouldnt be so lucky every year, haha.  

I rocked it at the gym today.  Seeing the ex-wife in a week.... yup, great motivation.   And while I was at the gym... the boob lady all but chased me out of the gym in an attempt to apologize.  It actually occurred to her that maybe it isnt alway the best to share one's observations, particularly about something so personal.

Well, I actually don't have a ton of chores today, so I am going to indulge in a long, hot bath.  What a way to start the day. :)

A whiney day... calls for wine?

I am just feeling so discouraged today.  The PMS has taken over my mind, so I know I am not being rational right now.  Even so, I just want to feel like all is right in my world.  And the fact is, it just isn't.  

Needless to say, it makes it hard to focus on anything else.  I didn't go to the gym today, and I really have no inclination to really care what I eat. 

I would love nothing more than a hot bath and a glass of wine, but hey, it is only lunch time, and as soon as I indulge, one of the kids will need something at school.  So, I am trying to hold out for tonight.

There is so much more, but this is all I can spit out for a day.

Worthless

That is how I feel today.  Totally. And completely. WORTHLESS. 

I feel like my life has been reduced to sweeping floors and doing dishes.

Things with my husband sometimes feel better. But not today. Today, I feel like a big ol'' liability to him, not a partner.

I really want to cry. But I am afraid if I start, I won't stop.

Oh, and did I mention the PMS, swollen boobs and messed up hormones? 

So yeah... I am not saying a word tonight because it will probably come out all wrong. I put my jammies on, I heated a rice bag, turned on the electric blanket, and I am watching Biggest Loser.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I have not watched Biggest Loser alone for over a year.  Guess I have to leave the safety of my cave.

Jiggley Wiggley Boobies

I should have just known that today's trip to the gym was going to be an adventure.  I mean, the MP3 player is a vital tool and does no good at all when it lies forgotten on the floor next to my bed. I got the kids to school on time, but forgot the tunes.  Go figure.  Happy Freakin' Monday.  

True to my morning ritual, I got on the scale very first thing.  I was horrified when the little slider didn't even budge when placed on the usual number, so I moved it to the right, and then I moved it to the right again.  UP 8 POUNDS!!!!!    But then again, the girls have been quite sore for a couple days, so I am certain it is a hormone thing, and it will go away in a week or so.  Take a deep breath, and just get on the damn elliptical, Bones!

So, I start my workout and I am just getting in a groove, although it isn't a great groove.  I just have a hard time getting into it without some Aerosmith.  Or Metallica.  Or Mark Knopfler.  Even so, my legs were indeed moving.  

The fact that my ears were not plugged with headphones must have made this woman feel like that was an open invitation to offer her advice to me. Can you believe.... she came right up to me and suggested I go over to Shopko and buy me a nice sports bra  .... she even said that they are most effective when worn over your regular bra. 

Now you have to know, even with PMS bloating and swelling, I do not have much in the way of boobs.  In fact, I am small enough that 100 pounds ago, I would have told you they were just another roll of fat. Now, they are a 38 small C and pretty squishy.  And yes, because they are sore, I could feel the movement more than usual.  But overall....... my boobs don't bounce that much!!!!!!!!!!  Or do they? But still.....  I am amazed that this woman had the nerve to approach a total stranger about her BOOBS! And the woman didn't go away even when I started coughing (I am getting a cold I think.) and then she say that I didn't have a water jug and she started preaching on me about water.  BAH!!!!!!!   I did finally tell her (politely, damn me!) that I have been doing this for a long time and I know what works for me. And yes, she finally went away.

I was barely able to feel relief in her departure when another lady got on the elliptical next me.  I have seen her before and I HATE working out next to her.  She is the one who sprays down the equipment BEFORE she gets on, and she sprays so heavy that the asthmatic next to her coughs and chokes because of the bleach in the air.  And then, she works out like a maniac.  I seriously thought the her machine was going to start spitting nuts and bolts this morning. 

At that point, I decidedly that cutting my workout short by three minutes was not a bad idea at all.  I have never been so glad to be finished and get the hell out of there.  And now, me and my jiggley boobs are going to get in the shower

And I just have to say, when I go get in the shower, I am so happy I will be the only one looking at my boobs when my bra hits the floor.r.

One pound of butter (fat)

One single pound. 

It seems so small.  But, going back to my days in Weight Watchers, I can't imagine how many times my leader would celebrate the smallest losses.... One pound can be discouraging.  But then, look at one pound of butter. That is one pound of fat that is not on my body today.

It hasn't been easy.  

Lots of stress.

Lots of stress eating.

Lots of Chocolate.

And yes, lots of time in the gym.. that is the one place I did well.

After the last couple of weeks, I will take my successes where ever I can!!

Lapband and flight

I am looking forward to the drive to the Big City.  I might even pack my laptop in case the sun is shining, so I can enjoy the city for a little longer. 

I am not looking forward to the weigh-in.  So much stress in the last few weeks and I have been PIGGING OUT.  Even after the last fill. But, I have a tendency to get tight with stress, so I have been super cautious with fills. But hey, I am not losing weight at this point, so really, I need this.  Even if I am tight.  

Silly thing is.... I may need an unfill in 2 weeks.... I am flying across the country to visit family for 10 days. My nurse, who also has the band -- ge4ts tight when she flies.  I am curious to know what everyone else's experiences have been with that.... I don't want to be throwing up for 10 days of vacation, nor do I want to be on liquids .... first time eating real southern food.... I would like to at least be able to taste it!

Desiderata

Desiderata

    Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

    If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

    Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

    Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

    Strive to be happy.

                                                                                           --- Max Ehrmann, 1927

Me and GYM

I am sitting here in my cozy warm bed, knowing that in about two minutes, I have to get up and take these little girls to school.  And when I do, I have to stop by the gym.... partly because it would just be wrong to drive by and NOT stop.... and partly because I am actually getting my groove back.  

I have been to the gym every day this week, working on that elliptical.  Last week was so hit and miss, usually barely 20 minutes.  But Monday, I was reading a really interesting article and before I knew it, I was at 30 minutes.  Tuesday was 40 minutes.  After that, I just couldn't settle for less than 30.   I am not yet consistent with the rate of incline, so that will be next week's goal.  And the week after that, I will add in the weight training.

I thought about going to the Big City for a fill today, but gas money is an issue, so I think I will go over the house.  I can hang insulation today while my husband works on the wiring. Time with him is so calming and so HEALING.... it feels good.  I think working on that house just could actually bring us together instead of drive us apart, if we do it right.  :)

So, not a lazy Friday......but it will do. 

The courthouse bells are chiming..... I guess it is time for me to face the day.  (But my bed is so WARM!!!!) 

Faith

I feel like I have been whining so much lately, but this is the one place I can talk freely.  SO today I will try to keep it short and more positive. 

Me and my Marine talked yesterday.  I am so glad we did -- I felt horrible for carrying around those doubts, and it was such a relief to get it all off of my shoulders.  We actually talked about a lot of things in a short period of time.  The thing that I most appreciated was that he actually stopped what he was doing, sat on a stool and just listened to me. There was no criticism, no anger and no blame. And, it seemed like he understood what I was saying. 

He said something yesterday that really hit a chord with me.  His big fear is "what if" .... what if we try and fix things and in a year it is the same ol' thing?  What if in a year it doesn't work out and the children are even more attached (therefore hurt) than they already are?   

I told him the first two things that came from the heart:

•  He has to trust me... he has to allow me the opportunity to help him through the tough times, he has to believe that I want our marriage to be the best it can be and he has to trust that I hold his tender heart with care and would never do anything on purpose to create problems for us. 

•  This whole marriage thing, I think, is much like my life with food and weight loss.  It is a lot of work, something I have to work on every day.  Even having surgery does not make it become something that happens automatically, without thought and planning.  The same will be true for our marriage..... we will have to work on it every day of our life together.   I can't quit just because I hit a binge period or a plateau, and WE can't quit just because it gets overwhelming and scary. 

Well, on the way home yesterday, it occurred to me that I need to do the same for him.... I need to trust that he is trying hard and doing his best.  I need to believe in him and give him time to work through this, and while he is getting there, I need to let him know we absolutely appreciate what he does for us. Now that we had the ex-wife talk, I need to let it go. The other day, I felt like there was hope for us.  I need to hold on to that feeling. 

Ironically, I signed in to my Twitter account today, and saw this from Bob Harper:   

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase". A quote from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Love this.

So, today... I am going to start the day with FAITH.  My Marine and I can only talk this over so much before we really just have to get back to living and being the people we married. 

We have only just begun this married life, and I am sure there will be many more ups and downs. I can only hope we are tough enough to get through them.

OMG... again!!!

I am so sorry, I am not sure anyone is even interested, but at this point, I need to unload the fury. 

I have been watching my cell phone bill in the last couple weeks.  Husband spent a good hour on the phone with his ex-wife again this morning and all of my anxiety has come flooding back.  Only this time I am not just hurt and anxious, I am fucking pissed.

I have never told him that I know they have been talking.... didn't want to add fuel to the fire.  And I figured two things:  a) if they just talked a couple times, then I am making a big deal of nothing.  b) they have kids together, of course they are going to talk.

But this is the thing: 

Three phone calls, coincidentally at the same time he tells me he is unhappy in our marriage.

One 30 minutes, one 60 minutes, 50 minutes today. (Yes, I am going to yell!))
THIS IS THE MAN WHO IS SO BENT ON WORKING HIS ASS OFF ON THAT HOUSE THAT HE WONT SPEND 10 MINUTES ON THE PHONE WITH ME BECAUSE HE WANTS TO GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now the way I see it, if their conversations are all about their son coming home from Japan, he would come home and tell me that she called and they talked today.  BUT HE HASN'T SAID A WORD.

The man needs to understand one thing.  He is married to ME, not her.  If he is unhappy, he needs to be talking to ME, not her.   I understand they have been friends since they were teenagers. But that should have changed the day he put a ring on my finger.  And if he doesnt want to talk to me, then there are so many other people he could and should talk to. 

The other thing that pisses me off is that she is on my Facebook account. No, we are not great "friends." But friendly, and civil to one another.  Hey, call me crazy.  But the kids dont need us to be at each others throats.  And, it gives us a neutral forum to talk..... it used to be that she would give me updates on the kids if needed, and I would pass them on to my husband. (She wont call our house at night when it is honest because geeee..... her husband doesnt like it any more than I do.)  So on my facebook page, she keeps commenting on things and acting like she isn't going behind my freaking back.  

So now, I don't know what the hell.  Just when I was starting to feel some hope, I am all messed up again.  I think I need to talk to him, because I can't keep letting him think it is OK.  Right now, I am torn.  I am sick to my stomach.  His sister is going to call me back in about 30 minutes and talk me through this.  But I really want to get in the car and drive over to the house to ask him WHAT THE HELL???????????? 

Really??? Am I asking so much??

Baby Steps

Well, that Marine of mine hasn't said anything different, but things feel different. A little bit. 

I couldn't spend the day with him yesterday, but I had to just work hard to keep anxiety down where I could handle it.  And we got a date night yesterday, so it helped to have that to look forward to.  There was one spot where there was a small amount of anxiety, but I managed. :)

Our date night was nothing special.... he had a club meeting and asked me to join him.  Plus a stop at Lowe's and dinner to go at Carl's Jr.  But it was SO nice...... it was so nice for me to see him relaxed and happy and joking with his friends.  I made a point to tell him how glad I was that he asked me to join him.  I am not really interested in his club much, but if he has that much fun each time, I am so happy to join him. And I told him we need to have more fun times like that..... he said someday.  After the house is done.   Always the house these days.  I have heard everywhere that these kind of house projects are really hard on marriages. So what to we do but get married and start on the house within days of each other. 

I have been getting better about going to the gym every day.  I managed 40 minutes on the elliptical yesterday.  I guess I will soon have to go for another fill so that what I am eating matches my work at the gym.  

In 22 days, I get on a plane to go back east and visit my husband's kids, and my brother's family.  I will have to see the ex-wife and be sweet as can be to her.  So by hell, in 22 days, I want to look amazing. Well, as amazing as one can look when overweight. 

I can't spend the day with my husband today either -- kids are out of school early, have parent-teacher meetings, and work meetings.  So, on to day two of getting this damn anxiety under control.  While it all is starting to feel a little better, I can't decide if his worries are passing, or if we are just living in denial while he sorts it out.

Hope

Today was truly a beautiful day, in so many ways. 

The sun was shining and even felt warm for the first time in ages. 

I was driving through the canyon today and saw a moose.  I pulled over and spent a half an hour, taking photos and just watching.  SO beautiful.  It brought me so much joy to be outside and see such an amazing animal. 

I spent the afternoon watching my husband work on our house.  I marveled at his genius and skill.  I am so thankful that he is such a meticulous person. 

And... as I was leaving to come back... he told me he loved me!! Such a little thing, but it is the first time in ages and it just made my heart sing.  

Finally, I feel like there is hope.

Anxiety like never before

Just a quick update..... this was one damn long miserable week.   While I may have figured out some things I can do on my part, my husband says he still has no answers for me. He feels like it would be easier on the kids to split now than down the road when their attachments are even stronger than now. But my HELL...... we haven't even been together long enough to say we tried.  And every one of my kids is old enough to see that. 

During the week when the kids are in school, I can spend my days with him. If nothing else, it helps my anxiety. Go figure... he breaks my heart into a million pieces, and I only feel peace when I am with him. I should just be madder than hell. But I am so afraid and  I hurt so much I can't even start to be angry. 

Friday night I went to the movie alone just to give him some space.... it was hard, but I actually enjoyed the movie. (I saw The Tourist.)  but Saturday, I had to go spend an entire day in meetings for a volunteer org.  I am with.  I did "OK" during the day because I was with other people. But on the way home... an hour's drive alone.... the anxiety just got to me and by the time I got home to him I was a freaking basket case.  I cried and cried and cried some more. It is just so hard to keep it together. 

We spent Sunday together at our house, and we actually enjoyed the day, even just working.  And when the kids came home from their dad's that night, he was so excited, telling them all about how their momma cut wood, ran wires, did plumbing, and can use a nailgun.   It was so cute..... it makes me hopeful, and yet I am afraid to hope. 

I got my fill last week, and at first, I would say there is not enough restriction.  But... in the last couple days as the anxiety increases, there are a couple days when I have been unable to eat as much.  So, I dont dare go for another fill just yet, even if I am eating too much overall. 

All I can say is thank goodness for this little piece of plastic, because without it.... I would be eating all day long.

Trying to get my head right

Thanks to the counsel of good friends who are not afraid to tell me I have not been myself since I got married -- I am determined to do what I can to make this right.  This will be a long post, but it all about me being honest with myself.

Since August, I have:

• planned a wedding and got married in three weeks after he had been away for several weeks.
• got married again after I swore I would never -- incredibly hard to adjust to a husband again
• placed my home on the market, with the clock ticking towards foreclosure...... and lost the home anyway.
• moved from very rural, lifelong home into downtown city nearby
• moved into husband home -- nothing is mine here, mine is all in storage. 
• moved from a large home where I had my personal space to a SMALL home where there is no such thing. 
• my baby has gone to school all day, so my days are all mine.  I enjoy that too much and have a hard time adjusting to the chaos when everyone comes home. I am a solitary person.
• I lost the friendship of the ONE friend I could actually spend time with... she has much drama in her life, and it was a one-sided thing friendship in which I was always helping her pick up the pieces after some crisis. I miss her... I do not miss her drama.
• no longer HAVE to work..... this creates conflict because I LOVE my job and get great personal satisfaction from working.  BUT..... I love being with my husband, I love this house we are building, and the ability to be there with him. I can't have both. 
• I have had issues with my band, so from July-December, constant PB, slime, throwing up, challenge to eat, and I FEEL LIKE HELL.  

So there you have it -- just a little stress since August.  But this is the thing -- it has weighed me down. There are days I dont want to get off the couch. I have been sugar binging like crazy.

My poor husband is not easily overwhelmed. He was single for a long time. He has been alone for a long time. And he didn't marry just me, he married four children as well. Naturally, he is overwhelmed.  

And I DID NOT HELP. 

In all my days of adjusting to this new married life, I have often asked myself what the hell I am doing.  I love him, I want to be with him, but I have also missed being single.  (see above, I am a solitary person.)   

But when the husband says he isn't happy...... then suddenly everything changes.  Because I LOVE THAT MAN.  

Solitary me who cherishes my solitude .... suddenly, the idea of being alone scares the effing hell out of me.  He brings so much joy and happiness to my life. Even now, in the chaos this week has brought, I find such comfort just being near him. He is a most incredible, amazing person. There is nothing I love more than seeing his truck pull in the driveway at night, or seeing my children all snuggled around him on the couch at night. 

So I need to pull my head out and make this right.  I need to just get over all of those bullet point stress things. When I got divorced, I told my kids things would be different..... not bad, just different.  Time to live up to those words. The reality is..... I have the luxury of writing because I love it... working from home, AND being with my family. The reality is, I dont have a job which allows me to be with my retired husband while all of the little people are in school.  The reality is... I have been dying to get away from my little small town, and even though it is scary as hell, it won't kill me.  And I sure as hell don't want to go back. 

So, I need to focus on getting back to my gym routine because it makes me feel good.  I need to start my day with gratitude and I need to make that husband of mine feel absolutely cherished. 

Damn, I knew getting married again would be hard.... especially hard for two, long-time, single solitary people. I just really had no idea HOW hard.

The High Price of Stress:

OMG.  I went for my fill yesterday, and was completely shocked to see my blood pressure reading.....162/112.  Back on meds I go, but geez, remind me not to take my pill at night, for Pete's sake... I was up peeing half the night. 

And, it's official... my weight was up by 13 pounds. Yup, maybe I have been eating too much.  No worries about that now... I really am sick to my stomach still.  

My nurse at the clinic was a gem... she let me cry in her office, she let me know that at one point, her husband also wanted to leave because he was so overwhelmed by the kids, that she had to be a single parent (without looking like a single parent) for months while he sorted through everything. 

I got to talk to my husband a little bit yesterday, although I can't say it was helpful.  The girls are all home now, so it is time to get back to life as we know it.  This is the part where I have to act as if all is right in my world when the reality is, I am dying inside.

Thanks for the hugs!

All of these hugs are precious... I sure needed them.  It has been a long weekend, parts hellish, parts hopeful.  Three of my four kids spent the weekend with their dad, and the teenager isn't around much anyway.  So, me and the husband got to spend a lot of time together. We haven't really talked a lot just yet, beyond the initial conversation.  We just worked on our house together and tried to enjoy each other's company. 

One of the few things he was able to tell me is that married life isn't like when we were dating.... our lives are 100% different now.  And he is right.  Some of that is necessary, because we are parents now.  He was single for 12 years, so big changes for him.  And all of his time is eaten up with this house thing, so it has been a challenge.  I wish he could see it is all about balance... it would make such a difference.

 I do have to give him credit..... he has been there for me when I was hurting (he come and asked me to come back to bed the other night just as I hit the send button, tears and all.)  And, he has been trying really, really hard in every other way.  And I have been too. 

I have never been afraid of being alone until I had him.  And in many ways, I think my kids would be more heartbroken if this marriage broke up than when me and their dad divorced.  I don't know if he will do counseling yet.  But I do have reinforcements coming, if you can call it that.  Our post commander is going to help get him out of the house with the guys a little bit (for service projects) and see if it will help him just to get away and chill out once in a while.  And I am going to put a higher priority on helping him at the house... it is the only time we can just be US, not mom & dad. 

On a side note, I go to the big city today for a fill.  With all of this stress, I have noticed being a little tighter, but I am still eating too much.  And on the flip side.... usually with stress, I chow on the junk food.  But this has been such an over-the-top stress, that I haven't really wanted to eat much. So any way, I think the sugar binging is more under control, so it is a good time for a fill. I will just ask the nurse to only put in the tiniest amount so I dont end up puking again.  

Ugh...... my SIL just dropped by unannounced,  and I am still in my bed in my jammies!!! Guess I need to throw some clothes on and at least say hello.  

Thanks again for the hugs...... I needed them!  And A. ...... girls' weekend is definitely needed!!!!  

falling apart

My husband told me yesterday morning that he isn't happy with our marriage. I have been so numb I couldn't even cry. Until now.... I have been up since 3:30 a.m..... mostly watching him sleep. I finally got out of bed and cried. Some. It took everything in my power not to panic yesterday, but in the wee hours, all there is to do is think, and worry and panic. And HURT.

Sick, sick SICK to my stomach

This is suck a very long story, I am not sure I can condense it well. 

I got married last summer. We were both divorced for a long time.I don't like my ex much.  He is still friends with his.  And mostly, I am OK with that. I mean, it is just good for the kids. It is hard though. 

Before we got married, they still talked 3-4 times a week.  Literally to the day we got married. Then nothing.   If she needed something, she would give me a message for him on Facebook. 

Until suddenly, this week, two lengthy phone calls on his cell (I get the bill) from a blocked number.  Honestly, yes, I am assuming it was her.

I get it that they may talk on occasion.  But he never mentioned it.  Their kids are grown..... no need for major communication.  (Am I being petty??)

I dont want to say anything -- dont want him to think I am checking on purpose. But this is really killing me. 



 

Spring Fever and other random stuff

I got up and went to the gym this morning.  Day two this week, three times in the last two weeks.  It is slow, but it is still progress.  I just finally reached a point of feeling HORRIBLE and the only thing that cures it is working out.  The chiropractor helps, but that costs money.  

I am sitting here at the kitchen table with my breakfast...... scrambled eggs with mushrooms and pepper jack cheese, and fresh salsa from the restaurant up the street..... and while I eat, I am watching our sweet neighbor from across the street pushing his snowblower across our driveway.  I really should make him some cookies.  OK, maybe not.  Because YOU know, and I  know, that I will eat half of them!! 

I am really tired of the white stuff. Tired of being cooped up in the house. Tired of being cold. I miss the sunshine.  I miss  my little spot at the reservoir where I can soak up the sun while my kids are happy and playing in the water. 

I miss GREEN. 

I don't know about all of you, but I needed a bit of springtime today. So, I am sharing these pretty flowers with you. :)

Blech

Well, this could be just what I needed, as miserable as it is.  You know that chocolate addiction I have been fighting?  Well, I can now say... I have been chocolate free for 36 hours. 

No thanks to a nice little flu bug.  

I don't hurt so much today, but I am still weak, and lacking in appetite.  And I am still so very tired, so I am going back to bed. 

I am hoping that this actually helps me get back on track.  I do have something to work towards now...... just bought plane tickets to go back east and visit family for 10 days next month.  I am so excited.  The last time I flew, I had to ask for a seatbelt extender.  This time..... I shouldn't need to.  But definitely something to work towards.

Went to the gym, got on the scales.....

I did make it to the gym today.... 15 minutes on the elliptical.

And the bad news....... I have gained 10 pounds in the last month or so.  Gym scale said 231 pounds. So there it is. Denial no more.

Do I have chocolate on my breath?

It is now 7:43 a.m. and yes indeedy, there is chocolate on my breath.  I have fallen so far off my little path it is trully pathetic. I need to get back on. I need to go for a fill.  I need to stop the insanity.  

CONFESSION:  I ate five bars of chocolate yesterday.   A (large) Hershey bar, a  (large) Symphony Bar, a Cadbury Fruit and Nut Bar, and two (regular size) cookies 'n cream bars.   And another large Hershey bar for breakfast this morning.  

My sugar addiction has taken over again.  It is the one thing I dislike about the holidays.

Life has gone back to "normal"... husband is back to work on our house, kids are back in school, Christmas has been packed up in boxes and returned to the garage.   But I have not gone back to normal. I have not been eating normally, I have not been going to the gym.  And I have been ODing on junk food at every opportunity. 

I seriously need to go for a fill, but really, I am just afraid to get on the scale and see what the damage is.  

I am afraid of going back to puking my guts up all the time.  (I have been eating so good, in fact, that I think it is safe to say, my band has not slipped!)

And I am afraid of gaining 90+ pounds back if I don't get back to business. 

I wish I had  someone to hold my hand and drag my fat behind to the gym for the next two weeks.  This is when I really need those support groups held by my clinic.  But dang that is a drive! And in the winter besides.

And while I am sitting here knowing where I need to go, I am fighting a monster craving... must. have. cookies 'n cream bar.   Man, am I in big trouble or what?????